Saturday, August 30, 2003

Sherbert drips with honeycomb sweetness.. until it hits a frying pan. Then it screams in agony.

Friday, August 29, 2003

Well I am the French guard. Many of you will find this a bit shocking. I thought for sure I would be a coconut.

French Guard
You are the French Guard.
Slightly off, living in an area you really don't
belong in, you lie and taunt those around you.
From all the cruel memories of your childhood,
you decide to take revenge on cute furry farm
animals. They make good cannonballs. Ppffftt!

What Monty Python Holy Grail Quest Character are You?
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Smurfs ... the other blue meat.
We have a dead squirrel-that-isn't in the house. Well, we have a dead squirrel's skin. A plaything for the cats we boought at Pennsic, from a shop called Spotted Pony Traders, known to everyone at Pennsic as All Things Dead, for they specialize in pelts. So the skin is basically a red squirrel pelt sewn back into the shape of a squirrel. Willow, the male cat, loves it. Makes him feel ferral, and it is actually something he can catch! So I decided to try to raise it from the dead, as a joke on the cat. You know, so it could play back. I lit candles, made a makeshift alter, stuck a dead fox face on my head, and repeated the "Alna Nathrak, Uthva Spethud, Dathiel Dienve" thingie from Excalibur over and over. The cats came and watched. I told them they would soon be in Hell when Jolly Foofur, my name for the squirrel-that-isn't, came back to life. They got bored and left. After a while I got bored too, so I blew out the candles, took the dead fox face off my head, grabbed my mason hammer and beat the unliving shit out of Jolly Foofur. Damn cats.
There is a carnival in the South Shore mall. Too bad it's not Mr. Dark's carnival from Somthing Wicked This Way Comes. Warping people, chasing down kids... reaping souls... man, that would be fun! I'd be the first one on line! ;)
You know whats funny? A pie in the face... from 13,000 feet. :)

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

If I had 20 fingers, I would have 4 arms. That's a lot of sleeves.
I hate cauliflower. It just sucks to all hell.
Why cannot life be more like Unreal Tournament 2003? Why can we not simply run through the streets blowing the Bejesus out of all of the stupid people? I suppose stupid would become a selective term. The person who unwittingly parks in your spot may in fact be a genius, but in your eyes they are stupid, and therefore subject to having a rocket launcher inserted into their rectum. Rectum?! He nearly killed em! Of course, anyone whom you did not like would then also suddenly become stupid. The women with the bad dye job, the man with no fashion sense, the kid who snorts when he laughs, they would all be stupid, and therefore killable. In the end, stupidity would be determined by factors such as who has the most ammo. It would be complete anarchy. Snipers on the roofs, roving bands of youths armed with flak cannons, edogs and cats with grenades strapped to their chests. Society would break down into a road warrior scenario.. without the Australian desert. And without the wierd looking dude with the whirly bird. And no warriors. But plenty of roads! And really, isn't that what life is all about? Cats and dogs with grenades strapped to their asses saying "Feed me or drown in my intestinal goodness!"